Worth a million dollars

I have gone through a lot of emotions in the last two months since my mom has gone to her nursing home; guilt and sadness being the main ones, but also sheer fatigue, frustration, anger, helplessness and hopelessness, and the list goes on. It has been a pretty rough two months, and I was able to survive them by venting to my husband, sister, aunt and friends. My friend Teresa put it very well last Friday that I seemed distracted. My first thought each day when I open my eyes is her. I wonder if she feels like we have abandoned her, if she knows why she is there.

Each day I felt torn between doing things for the reno, getting my own work done or seeing my mom. As my mom's condo had to be done and put on the market, I usually took care of those details first, and often didn't get to see mom at all, or for as long as I would have liked to. I avoided doing the hard stuff too- packing up her room being on the top of that list, so I put it out there that I needed help, and my friend Allison informed me she had purchased a ticket from London (Ontario) for the following day just about thirty minutes after I had posted the plea. Another unlikely Uni friend came through to move the boxes to storage (thanks Phil) and within 5 days the place was done.

Now, as this project is coming to an end, I realize it was a blessing in disguise despite how much I complained and how exhausted I felt. As Allison said "Nothing in life is ever just one thing" and it would seem the renovations may have helped me survive this transition. Had I not had the condo to renovate, I would have likely spent many more hours blogging and sobbing, because at the end of the day I've realized I like to torture myself, but the condo provided a need for me to get dressed and out of the house doing something incredibly productive and necessary. It also taught me so much including the the fact that I was good at something I had never tried before on this scale. I haven't done the math yet, but it looks as though I saved my mom and Robert about 10K on the reno by managing all of the purchases, and hopefully will make them an extra 75-100K on the sale. Not a bad couple of months work.

Today the painting began, and since I know the painter I didn't feel the need to be there, and set the day aside to spend with mom. I went to the third floor and saw my mom's room door open. I walked in and said Barev Khenzor (hello apple) and saw my mom's face transform from a vacant expression to a happy one; big beaming smile, and a sparkle in her eyes...all because of me. That million dollar smile made my day, and we ended up having a great time together. I not only took care of her, but her neighbor across the hall Mrs. Amalia. Both got a manicure, and a nice long visit filled with stories, photos and laughter. 

Also today, I realized condos will always be there, and work will always be there, but my mom's expression might fade over time, and one day my mom won't be there any longer, so I am going to enjoy my mom as much as I can now. Most of the work on the condo is done, so it's time to work on my next project, making mom's life fuller, and being there for her as much as possible. Today I had new feelings; accomplishment, fulfillment and joy. I hope to give my apple some more of the latter going forward.

So far, so good!